Most people “suffer” of the compulsion of ‘being liked’ when they enter a relationship – which turns the dynamic of that relationship into something less than pleasant, for all parties involved.
Then, out of frustration, the person who craved liking “riots” and goes for the opposite choice: “I don’t care about them!” type of attitude…
But, there is a happy medium – the attitude of Play, of mutual respect, of kindness, of calibrating and sending signals of “this is Play”… AND, when ‘conflicts’ or ‘misunderstandings’ arise, solve them from the same place (rather than from the place of “I am right, you are wrong”)…
Techniques are in big demand nowadays – we’ve been led to believe that this is what we need – a good technique, if we want to accomplish anything. Anytime we find ourselves “in trouble”, the first thing we focus on is “what is the best thing To Do in order to get to where I want?”
Question: What would need to be true for us, to do that – to look for a way ‘to operate UPON a particular situation? To look for what to Do, rather than what to Be, for resolving it?
Obviously, we need to see ourselves as Separate of that situation and of the other people involved. We want a particular outcome to unfold and we use techniques to control the external circumstances to make that possible. We start from the presumption that what makes that outcome possible is a particular external circumstance. Thus, we focus on controlling the external circumstances…
Paradoxically, however, we live through a different understanding when it comes to our bodies. And, I would say, this understanding works much better and much more effective.
Think of this for a moment…
– you’re standing on a boat, floating through the waves
– you want to walk from one end to the other of it
– however, the waves are shaking the boat
Question:
– are you looking for a technique to control the waves (i.e., the external circumstances)?
– or are you focusing on maintaining the balance of your body, knowing that this is how you increase the chances for you to reach to the other end of the boat? And, even if you use various ‘helping techniques’, you know that their true and first purpose is maintaining the balance of your body, rather than manipulating the conditions, or even than ‘getting there’ – because we intrinsically Know that “walking” is not separated from our body… our body Makes the ‘walking’.
I bet that the second answer make the best sense to you…
What if this is what we first and foremost need, if we want to create in Alignment to the Natural Order of Things: Balance of the Mind, Presence, Connection?
What if the purpose of a technique is to facilitate for Us to Connect and Become Present, rather than “making Them” behave in a particular way?
We enter every interaction with (at least) two motivations; one is Primary and one is Secondary. My Primary focus will determine the dynamic of that interaction and it will either hinder or facilitate the achievement of the Secondary intention. In a way, the Primary intention is the “channel” through which we reach our Secondary intention.
When you meet a salesperson who obviously wants something From you, how interested will you be in opening yourself and creating a true relationship with that person?
How would that be different if that salesperson conveys that they are alright regardless of your buying decision? Moreover, not only they are alright, but they are so genuinely detached of that outcome that they afford to take their time to learn about you as a person, to be curious about you as a human being. And, if they were to graciously ask you if you want to know about their product, how much more open will you be to say Yes to that, knowing that you can trust them for not using any “tactics” to “make you buy”?
Brian Tracy (or Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi?) said somewhere that we achieve the most important things in life by focusing on something else – for instance, we find happiness by doing something we love…
Next time you enter a sales interaction, Choose Connection as your Main intention and BE that person… This doesn’t mean that you don’t want them to buy, only that it would be Secondary to you. The more genuine the Connection (and your non-attachment to the outcome), the more likely they will trust you and will actually Listen to you when you’ll be talking about your Secondary intention.
Have you ever tried to “make” someone produce a particular change? How did that go?
Does the physician “guarantee” that you will become healthy, after your visit? Does the teacher “know for a fact” that you will be a smart person after graduating?
What are they actually selling, for what are we paying them?
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